Constant State of Panic

I feel like being a mother means I am in a constant state of panic. I love my daughter more than I thought possible. Sometimes it is overwhelming.

I just finished reading The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch and was a complete wreck when I finished it on the subway this morning. If you aren't familiar with it, it is a lecture about living, written by a professor who found out he had just months to live. In part, it is a time capsule for his three children, 6, 3, and 1 1/2 years old at the time. Something to remember their father by. The mere thought of losing precious time with Grace is unimaginable...it breaks my heart just to think of it. I realize I am not in control. I cannot protect Grace from every danger or every heartache...and therein lies the problem. Hence the constant state of panic. Most days I keep it in check, other days I am overwhelmed by the thought that I can't protect her from everything.

Thinking of the book, I put myself in Randy Pausch's place...how could I ever say goodbye to my 1 1/2 year old? I hope I never have to...not for a long time to come at least. I would want her to know, that even at 18 months, I can see how strong she is, how incredibly smart, and perceptive. She amazes me every day. I am so lucky.

I love how she holds my hand and leads me around the room. How she insists that I "sit" on the floor and help her cook in her kitchen. I love that she shares...everything. Hugs, toys, a good laugh. I love how she giggles. I love that she pokes herself in the belly button and makes a munching sound like her belly is eating her finger. I love that I can ask her where her "nostril" is, and she smiles slyly and puts a finger up her nose. I love hearing her talk to her stuffed animal menagerie each morning. I love her curiosity and strong will. I am amazed at her memory and intellect. She is such an incredible person...I am a proud mama. I want us to be in each other's lives for many many years. There is so much more I want to know about Gracie. And there's already so much to love.